RAINN day 2011

RAINN day was last week.



I have been delaying posting about it. On purpose.

RAINN stands for Rape, Assault, Incest, National Network. It is a national support group for those who have been raped etc. The website for more information is here.

To tell you the truth, RAINN day was a very difficult day for me. I am still processing the feelings that came up. Forgive me if I am too honest for you on this post. If you can't handle this topic...well...that's probably part of the problem.

Cory talking to the local media. See the report here.

Its been 16 years since I was sexually assaulted back in college.
The first three years I told one person and made that person swear not to tell anyone. I then, believe it or not, convinced myself that it didn't happen. Its hard for me to believe that I actually felt I had "forgotten" it. Looking back there were so many signs and signals that I was giving off.
This is me a couple of months later..I changed everything about me. My hair. How I dressed. Everything. Because I had convinced myself that it didn't happen, I repressed it, I didn't know why I felt so driven to change myself. Now I understand.

Last year I left RAINN day feeling empowered. I felt my burden had been lifted. I felt as if I was on the right track doing the right things.

On the lawn was a percentage of the students at Dixie College that, according to National Statisitcs, have been or will be raped or assaulted in their lifetime.

This year I felt trapped inside my own anxiety. I couldn't speak. At all. I couldn't talk to the students, I opted out of speaking to the press, and I couldn't even say a word as we passed out ribbons. Nothing. Nada. Silent. Just like "he" would have preferred. He threatened me if I ever spoke out about it. This year I felt like I let him win.

Fail.

I found myself contemplating my feelings as we walked around and handed out ribbons. Why was I feeling this much anxiety? Why couldn't I get the stress under control? Why couldn't I release it like I have so many times?

Was I doing something wrong?

Was I not suppose to do this anymore?

I had never questioned myself on whether or not I should be a voice for sexual assault victims. I always knew that it was part of my path in life. That it was something I needed to do. Did I not need to do it anymore? Life is SO much easier when I don't have it on my mind. Or when I am not surrounded by people who are telling their stories of survival. Or when I don't have to dwell on the fact that in Utah 1 in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted or raped.

I don't have this much anxiety all of the time. Recently is has only been when certain things have triggered it. Like RAINN day. It is all encompassing. It is a real feeling, not something that I pretend or imagine. The only way I can describe the anxiety on these bad days would be to imagine a loved one and then think of how you would feel if you thought something was wrong. That their safely was in danger but you didn't know. That is almost how I feel. It makes me sick to my stomach, my heart beats really fast, my body freezes up, its hard to think, and I could puke. (lovely thought I know!)

I am so grateful that I don't have that many bad days anymore. There was a time that I would feel this way for days and days. I would stay on my bed frozen. Afraid. Distressed that "he" would find out that I had told someone. Discouraged that I would always feel that way. Panicked that I couldn't get the images out of my head. The smell of his cologne. That cold knife. I hate that knife.

Looking back on RAINN day I can see how I was allowing myself to slip in an unempowered state. I didn't allow myself to speak my story, which strangely enough really helps me. I didn't prepare my mind by running in my head the things that I would be saying. I had been having a lot of really good days and I didn't think I would be affected. I assumed that I wouldn't have any problems. Which, of course, was absurd.

It took me days to get over the RAINN day funk. I am still processing the questions that came up. I've never considered it a choice I needed to make. I don't have to do this. I don't have to speak out for raped victims. It doesn't have to be my voice.

The day after RAINN day I attended a constitutional rally of sorts. It was held at our local commonwealth that Luke attends. Funny thought, the only things I was hearing all evening was "The hard things can be the great things..."the hard things are worth it".."if we don't do the difficult things then who will?" and all sorts of other inspiring words. It didn't give me comfort. It was as if the Lord was sending me all of these little tender mercies to help my confused heart but it just made me want to cry instead.

My saga continues. In my heart I know I need to be an active voice in the fight against sexuall assault. I have so many things I want to say. Things that I can hear myself saying to the youth about it.

I can't have fear in the way anymore. I have no room for fear with what my Heavenly Father wants me to accomplish in my life.


Find the courage.

Find my voice.

>deep breath<

Don't be afraid.

Frugal Smiles

Everybody knows that I am "creative in my frugality." (Thank you Janine Bolon I will be forever in your debt for that phrase...LOVE IT!)


Ever since the boys traveled up to Idaho and spent a week with their Grandpa (who is a REAL cowboy according to James...even though Grandpa no longer has cows or rides horses..no matter) James has desired a REAL cowboy hat. Like Grandpas. Whenever we would go to IFA to purchase chicken feed, James would just about purr over the hats. He would pet them, try them on, and linger at the hat rack for FAR to long. Knowing that the prices of the hats were well above our range of available funds, he knew that it would be a while before he was able to have "His hat."

We started looking at other options. When we would go to yard sales and to the Deseret Industries he would look for a hat. Usually they would still be to expensive or to small.

Insert James's sad face that is so hard for mom to see.

Well, after a few months of searching, while I was pursuing the used books at the DI, I noticed a cowboy hat in the baseball caps-not where they are usually kept. After close inspection, I knew James would love the hat.

And he did!!! The smiles lasted for days as he wore his hat whenever he was awake. Granted its only been a couple of weeks since we purchased it, but he still wears it all the time.


The best part? Well besides James' huge grin, it was the price of $1.50.
Yee-Haw!

Chicken Whisperer part 2

As I mentioned in the previous post, my little Ben loves the chickens. He has daily conversations with the chickens and just adores them.

Recently Ben came home from church excited to tell me about what he had learned that day. We had two chickens that had sadly died tragically in the weeks before. Ben was greatly affected by the death of these two birds. When we were sitting on the swing in the yard that Sunday evening, he said "Mom, those two chickens are up with Jesus. Jesus is taking care of them now. That is what my teacher told me." Ah how sweet. I don't know the situation with the souls of our chickens, but if that is how Ben feels, then maybe it is. Ben was very content and happy with the thought.

About four days later Ben comes running into the house. He was so excited to show me a frog that he had found. It was a large frog that I encouraged him to keep outside so that it could eat lots of bugs and be a happy frog. I warned Ben to not let it loose near the chickens since the chickens would peck it and it would die. Ben said he would be careful and guard the little frog from the chickens.

A few hours later he comes running in the house in full tears and a complete panic.

"MOM!!! The chickens ate my frog! The chickens ate my frog!!!"

Oh my. What do you say to a little boy who loves his chickens and loves his frog that is now gone.
While I comforted Ben, I sent the older boys outside and they discovered that there was no evidence of the frog being in the chicken coop. And trust me, there would have been evidence of a frog attack. But there was not a trace of any fowl activity. (sorry bad joke...couldn't help myself...Cory would be proud.)

"Ben" I started "I think the frog hopped away and is hiding. I think he will be ok"

"No. He's gone." His face was so forlorn. So solemn. "Mom, I need to talk to Jesus about this. Right now!" And before I could encourage him to go and kneel by his bed, he had dropped to his knees in fervent prayer. So I quietly left the room and left him to his prayer.

After a long moment later he came into my room. He was once again full of peace and he had a small smile on his face.

"Mom, Jesus will send me another frog to play with. It will be ok." I was so relieved that he was once again my happy Ben.

"Oh how nice Ben! I bet a frog will come out this evening when it cools down outside."
"Yeah probably."
"And your frog is probably with Jesus just like your teacher said. "

It was at that instant that a huge panic came over his face.

"BUT MOM!! THOSE OTHER TWO CHICKENS WILL PECK AT IT!!!!!"

It was all I could do to not laugh. Thankfully I convinced him that Jesus probably had a pocket to keep his frog safe and that it really would be ok.

That evening a frog arrived for Ben to play with..it looked a lot like the last frog he had. Ben still loves the chickens. And I am so thankful that my little boy's prayers are important enough that the guy upstairs will answer them and bring my little Ben the peace he needs.

The Chicken Whisperer

Meet the newest inhabitants to our little plot of land... YES it CHICKENS!!

Or as Mark calls them "Chee-eeens!!"



Some friends of Cory were unable to have their chickens any more, and so we happily adopted them. We also purchased a few from a friend who had raised them from egg.

It was quite a challenge to get the chickens here, and their coop, but it has been very worth it. The boys have had some great learning experiences with them. It took us about a month to get the chicken coop (yes that is my old garden!!...so glad its getting some use!) how we wanted it to be. First the sides weren't to high and the chickens kept flying over it....which is NOT helpful in keeping the neighborhood dogs OUT of our yard. So we made the walls higher and then added a wire roof. The boys are also in charge of cleaning the coop. It could be their new favorite job!!..ok maybe not.


The boys LOVE getting the eggs. Its like an Easter Egg hunt every day!! The nine chickens are producing about 7 eggs a day, and the kids are loving them! We have been known to have scrambled eggs for breakfast AND dinner--ok that only happened when the older boys went backpacking but it was GREAT! Mark and Ben were in egg heaven!



Ben has discovered a special gift with the chickens. He has become their Chicken Whisperer. When he comes out to the coop, he calls the chickens "Come'ere my little chickens!" and then he tells them stories, tells them what good chickens they are, and tells them to lay eggs like a good chicken. He hasn't always been this way, at first he terrified the chickens....and was partially responsible for the death of one chicken. But, alas, he has changed his ways and has started to love the chickens. When ever a dog comes into the yard he is the protector and runs out to tell the dog to "Leave now!"

The chickens love him in return. They follow him around the coop as if he has a special treat for them. Which he does many times of course.

Who knew chickens could bring out Ben's soft side! Yeah Ben!

Backpacking Adventure!

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James and his backpack! Yeah James!!


Recently Cory took Luke and James on their first backpacking trip. Last spring at the TJed Forum we listened to Nels Jensen spoke about the power of an outdoor adventure and so we decided to give it a whirl. But I pretty much chickened out on going. Yep..I am a big CHICKEN! I did go camping this year and that was a big step for me. I do love camping, but its been a while since we've gone. Having little kidos in an uncontained amount of area is really intimidating to me. Our house is only 1000 feet--so there is only so many places they can hide. Unlike the wide open spaces of the mountains, there are many many places that they can get to much faster then me! But I digress....


On a brief rest on their way up the mountain.

When Cory was younger, his Dad took him on a backpacking trip in the mountains east of Fillmore. There is a story from Cory's uncle about gold buried in the mountains just east of Fillmore. Legend has it that some Spaniards hid some old gold coins in a cave while they were fleeing from some Englishmen. Because the gold was cursed, when they went back to retrieve it, they couldn't locate it. Later some kids found some gold coins in a cave, they brought a few gold coins to show their parents but when they went back to the cave, they couldn't locate it. (Ok the cursed part is debatable but it sounds like something Uncle Lawrence would say, the story changes a little with time.) In the story, Uncle Lawrence Oliphant went with his two buddies to locate the gold. The three of them went down some shafts they believed to be close to the gold, however the machine that was there to refresh the air malfunctioned and they quickly ran out of air. Two of them were able to get out of the mine -however they do not remember how they got out. They just found themselves at the top of the mine passed out. Their third friend died in the mine and it was days before they were able to retrieve him.

When Cory's dad -Alan took him to locate the same gold. They found some old mines but when they saw the cave they believed to be THE CAVE, Alan ended up twisting his ankle and they were unable to continue. So they were unable to reach the gold also.

Now to me, the mine is sounding like the NOT the best place to hang out.

But off they went!

For three days they backpacked, explored, and camped. They found a nice little campground that I believe would be for horses. It was set up with picnic tables, fire pit, chopped wood, benches, and it was near the river! To fun! They even used the little portable cooking tuna cans that they made a week or so prior to cook their pancakes. Since they used old candles, they said that the pancakes had a distinct flowery smell.

The amazing pocket chair. What more can be said.



Here is James pumping water from the river for drinking. It was a wee amount of work..lol..


Gotta love MREs!


THE campsite.

With all of the exploring they did not find the mines. Cory thinks they were over a mountain to far. But they hiked some grand mountains and had some spectacular views!
Cory said it best..."We had a great time."

Pick-a-little-talk-a-little

When we bought our house ten years ago, I was elated to have a variety of fruit trees. We had a plum, 3 peach, apple, necterine, and we planted a pomegranite bush. Two of the peach trees (including the white peach tree) was infested in bugs and only lived for a year. We ended up burning the trees out and putting the garden in that area. The necterine has been a weak tree and has refused to produce anything of worth and the pomegranite, although 5 years old, it has yet to grow any bigger. The apple tree also only produces a handful of blossoms and apples. Each year I say that I'm going to take out the necterine tree, but the blossems are so bright pink and pretty, that I just can't do it. I keep praying for the apple and pomegranite to step it up, or they are going to end up in the fire pit as well.

All of that sounds really sad!!

Thankfully the plum tree and peach tree have made up for the lack of success with the other trees.

This past weekend was picking time! Luke and James were priveliged enough to pick ALL of the fruit. My boys are so great to help me with the canning. Last month we picked 50 pounds of cherries at a local farm and my boys pitted them all!!! Now we all enjoy our fabulous cherry pie filling.


But first, another side story. When James was 3 we had lived in the house for about a year and a half. I peaked out the window one day and saw his little feet dangling off of the roof! I come out and ask him what in the world was he doing!? He replied that he was getting his toy.

So you can imagine how I *laughed* when I came outside and saw James sitting on the roof picking the plums. >sigh< He was even in the same place.

So they picked and picked and picked!! And picked me 46 pounds of plums!!! It was AWESOME! I was so delighted! James then became out official plum cutter and Luke set off to pick the peaches.--He ended up picking almost 20 luscious pounds!

The next day we were able to make 37 pints of plum jam, peach jam and peach-plum jam-plus we froze some peaches. The jam even turned out nice!! (Unlike my last batch of raspberry jam that I over cooked and is so thick that you can't even spread it...such a waste of raspberries. ) We had a great time together! We listened to The Beyonders and had some great conversations about just about everything as we cut, blanched, mashed, sanitized, bottled, and more. Great memories...at least for me anyway.

If the world ends, I will have enough jam to trade for ANYTHING! I do wish that we could bottle when it wasn't so blasting hot. Seriously! Its 108* outside and I have all of my stove burners on high! I am so thankful for fans! We did save enough plums to snack on (although, after all the plum work, none of us are really in the mood to eat any.)



Apples are next. I can't wait!! Even though I end up purchasing apples from local farmers, I love making applesauce and pie filling with my boys. Ohh and I can't wait for pomegranates!! If anyone knows of any bright red pomegranate bushes (the super sour pomegranates) that I can pick in late Sept. or so, I will happily come and pick them (I will bring my boys too) and then we will bring you some pomegranate jelly! BEST JELLY EVER!

I feel very fulfilled when I do my various bottling. It is a great feeling to do this work with my family. Hooray for work!

Camping project

July is the month designated for campouts it seems like. Both James and Luke have scout troup campouts and then Cory is taking them on a backpacking trip in Fillmore.

The boys LOVE camping and are very excited to go for a few days in the mountain with just "the guys."

To prepare for their campout they are making portable fuel cans. This way they will be able to cook their food no matter where they are. The left overs we will put in our 72 hour kids.

They are super easy to make.

You need empty tuna, clean, tuna cans (or that size anyway)
cardboard, and wax -we use old candles.

Take your cardboard and cut it into a one inch long strip, coil it up tights and place it in the can.-this is your wick Pull the center of the wick out a few inches so that you can light it easily. Then melt your old candles or you can use paraffin wax from the grocery store. Pour the wax, but not the end of the wick that is sticking out, and starting from the center spiral around until you reach the outside of the can. Let the wax completely cool and then you're set!


They work just like a sterno can but cheaper. They would be great to have on hand in case of an emergency

Happy camping boys!!
I will be doing my OWN projects while you're gone!!! bwaahaahaa!!